McCain Stares At Screen, Attempts To Write Family Christmas Letter

The Onion, timely as ever, has John McCain with writer’s block. I can relate.

SEDONA, AZ—After procrastinating for several hours by watching It’s A Wonderful Life and old John Wayne movies, former Republican presidential nominee John McCain finally sat down at the computer to type his annual “Christmas Bulletin” to friends and family early this afternoon, but found himself completely blocked.

“They say you’re never too old to learn,” McCain slowly typed before pausing, reading the sentence over, and tapping the backspace key until it was deleted. Forty-five minutes later, after two aborted attempts to compose the letter from the point of view of the family cat, Oreo, and another about what 2009 held in store for the McCain clan, the Arizona senator took a break to make a cup of hot cocoa and listen to the grandfather clock ticking in the background. “Jesus,” McCain mumbled. “Jesus Christ.” McCain returned to the den around 5:30 p.m., at which point he placed a fresh stack of candy-cane stationery in the printer, stared at the screen for another 10 minutes, and finally decided to go to sleep for a long, long time.


Author: Scott

I am a married father of two. I graduated from Rock Bridge High School and then Mizzou before spending six years in the Washington, D.C. area. We returned to Columbia, Missouri in 2006.

One thought

  1. I love The Onion. I remember a few years ago, before I had heard about it, I read a piece in it that said something about James Gandolfini from the Sopranos being shot at a restaurant by a fan angry with the outcome of the show. I believed it! I went searching to find out more information and found out what it was. 🙂

    There was a good one there recently in the sports section about Matt Forte (the rookie running back for the Bears – he’s on my fantasy team too!) being so polite during game play that he was making playing football difficult.

    This is good. Thanks for the humor, it helps make it through the day. Especially if you work at the university. 🙂

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